The Inner Voice of Love. A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom

A few years back, it was reported that Mother Teresa, in light of her incredible ministry to lepers for years in India, struggled a bit in her inner self. Supposedly a journal she kept revealed her doubts, her struggles, and the maze of her inner life that was kept secret from her outer life. At the time it was revealed, many people had a lot to say about it all; thanks to the internet!

Henri Nouwen was also a Catholic theologian that lived from 1932-1996. He, like Mother Teresa, ended his years on this planet in service. After being a lecturer and author, Nouwen found himself at L’Arche Community of Daybreak in Toronto, Canada working, and living, with the severely disabled. Adam Arnett was the man that Nouwen ended up serving until his death at age 64.

Nouwen, like Mother Teresa, wrote a personal journal. He had been renown for providing help and encouragement to many who followed him. However, when he published his personal journal called “The Inner Voice of Love. A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom” it may have come to quite a surprise to people who thought they knew him. This journal was written during a very painful part of his life where he was struggling with severe depression. Each journal entry is about a page long and the care he used in selecting each word to attempt to reconcile his personal internal struggle with a loving God, ends up becoming a masterpiece; a road map from “anguish” to “freedom”.

These humans are part of our family. And, I have to say, their recorded words suit us. If we were to take a look at their outer world where they valiantly served those that suffered without knowing about their inner world where they both struggled, I would put them in a different category from me. I would elevate them far above myself and feel/sense that I would never be able to make a significant impact for the Lord like they did; they are almost super Christians…sacrificing the most, serving in the most dire of circumstances, and being a part of the healing touch of Jesus.

Yet, that image doesn’t work with their words of internal struggle. All of a sudden, when I read these works, I find myself encouraged even more than when I do when I just look at one part of their life…their outer world. When I read their honesty, their questions, their anguish, their frustration, their fear, their…weaknesses? Yes, their weaknesses, all of a sudden passages about “God choosing the weak to shame the wise” come alive. These 2 authors/life changers were…humans. Just like me.

I know I shouldn’t be surprised. The Scriptures point to others that accomplished great things for God, but their lives were far from stellar. They were weak, they were flawed morally, and they often times made choices that demonstrated a lack of faith rather than perfection of faith. Yet, there they are: on the pages of our inspired Scripture being used as tools for advancing God’s Kingdom despite themselves.

In all this, I wonder what would change if we got honest; as honest as Mother Teresa and Henri Nouwen. Would we be as bold to allow others to peek into our internal life of our irrational fears, our questions about God’s goodness, our real life struggles with other people, and our own personal “anguish” regardless of what kind of package it’s wrapped up in? The thought of it is almost terrifying for most…for me. But then I begin to think, perhaps why some churches are not seeing transformation take place; an unwillingness to admit transformation is a gaping need.

When we acknowledge our need, grace is there to catch us. And this grace is what heals us and propels us to be transformed. This transformation is not for ourselves. Like Nouwen and Mother Teresa, our transformation is for the benefit of others. God is alive and at work; and He has a lot of work to do…especially in me. Being honest about that is not only real humility, but it’s encouraging to others. The Spiritual Hierarchical Ruler doesn’t work. We are all on a level playing field. We don’t evaluate spiritual maturity on what one has accomplished for God or even knows about God. Rather we evaluate spiritual maturity on the acknowledgement of a person that finds God safe enough to receive us in all our humanness and, when we place that humanness in His hands in trust, will begin to do a work in us that will be as brilliant as the two I’ve written about.

As River Life continues to go deeper in our discipleship of following Jesus, honesty will be required. Honesty with God and, most likely, honesty with one another. Honesty about who we are…not about the Who We’d Like to Portray and Become…but who we are today.

Grace will lead us toward that goal and grace will provide the environment for complete healing.

If you are finding yourself struggling, I would highly recommend Nouwen’s journal. I’m going through it in this season of my life and finding his struggle completely life giving and freeing.

Grace and Peace!